Our society – and the workplaces that support it – is rapidly evolving when it comes to diverse relationship and family structures, including supporting employees who engage in a form of consensual non-monogamy. This article will unpack the data behind these shifts and explain concrete steps your organization can take to create a safe and inclusive environment for employees from a broad range of family and relationship structures. Dr. Lily will also be hosting a TroopHR Huddle on this topic along with TroopHR member and Ream CEO Alex Savtchenko on 6/13 from 10:00 - 11:00 AM PT.
Source: YouGov 2023
You can safely assume that at least 5% of your workforce would be directly impacted by a decision to proactively support consensually non-monogamous employees. And this is even more true for Gen Z and Millennial employees, who are considerably more likely to identify with this structure. A February 2023 YouGov poll found that one-third of Americans (33%) describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy, with people under 45 being more likely (43%) to indicate interest in this than other generations. Notably, people are equally likely to practice consensual non-monogamy across religious, geographic, and political groups, meaning that employers nationwide have a strong call to action when it comes to being attentive to the needs of this population.
Despite the prevalence of consensual non-monogamy, there remains significant social stigma attached to disclosing these identities in the workplace. An estimated 67% of people who identify as consensual non-monogamous report experiencing discrimination, with the most common areas being employment, healthcare, housing, and child custody. People also face widespread family rejection and social ostracization. Finally, there are known cases where employers have fired employees who were polyamorous based on their disclosure.
In response to this widespread stigma and discrimination, cities nationwide – including Cambridge, MA and Oakland, CA – have begun to put protections in place prohibiting discrimination on the basis of family and relationship structure. HR Executives will be aided by knowing that the law is trending in this direction, and this may bring up legal compliance that organizations can get ahead of by acting now. While these protections signal a vital step forward, however, they are not yet widespread. As a result, it may be important to acknowledge for your employees that opening up about their identity could have implications for other aspects of their lives, even if they’re safe at work. Adultery is still illegal in 20 states, and many courts do not recognize the distinction between consensual and non-consensual non-monogamy, jeopardizing child custody, divorce, and other critical legal proceedings.
Formal legal protections for people in non-normative relationship structures in the workplace are currently scarce, creating an opportunity for organizations like yours to serve as leaders in this new frontier for civil rights. Organizations including JP Morgan Chase, Dell, Microsoft, and AirBnb have recently led the way, with efforts including adding 'family and relationship structure' to their employee handbooks and nondiscrimination statements as a protected class, creating employee resource sub-groups within the LGBTQ+ ERG, and offering education on this topic to employees and leaders.
The courage of workplaces to lead the way has been pivotal for the advancement of LGBTQ+ other social movements.
Especially in the absence of state or federal laws protecting marginalized groups, employers have a unique opportunity to promote safety and care for these groups and create a culture where it is safe to come out at work. For example, the percentage of Fortune 500 companies with policies protecting gender identity discrimination grew from 3% in 2002 to 83% in 2019, well in advance of updates to state and federal law. Comprehensive LGBTQI+ non-discrimination laws have not only served as a catalyst for economic growth by attracting diverse talent and businesses, but have also had demonstrable positive impacts on the physical and mental well-being of LGBTQI+ individuals, thereby fostering more resilient and inclusive communities. We anticipate the same will be true for consensually non-monogamous people and other people who structure their families and relationships in non-normative ways..
When you make space for people to be open about their family, relationship and care structures, you are opening the door for the large percentage of employees who are living outside the ‘nuclear family’ norm. According to 2020 Census data, only 17.8% of American households have a ‘nuclear family’ structure with two married parents living with children under 18. This means that over 82% of American households live in a different configuration: co-parenting with multiple adults, solo living, living with unmarried partners, living with extended family. By creating space for people to be honest and enthusiastic about their family and relationship structures, you can better understand the benefits, structures, and support that meet the needs of the wide array of families that exist in the United States.
What can employers do to help foster a safe and inclusive workplace for all family and relationship structures?
Taken together, the measures can serve as concrete steps towards creating a safe and inclusive atmosphere for all employees, honoring the diversity of family and relationship structures prevalent in today's society.
Update your policies
- Update your employee handbook, code of conduct, and hiring materials to prohibit discrimination and harassment on the basis of “family or relationship structure.” Large organizations including JP Morgan Chase have led the way in doing this. Non-discrimination protections codified into the employer’s policies assure job applicants and employees that they will be treated equally and that their protected identities will not be a liability on the job. This clarity supports the recruitment and retention of talent as well as the workforce’s understanding of expectations, which in turn creates greater legal and social safety for members of the group that’s being protected to be open about who they are. Please see the Open Workplaces toolkit for model language.
- We recommend that you follow this up by hosting a panel where you bring external expert speakers in to help educate people about this aspect of family and relationship diversity.
Support the formation of an Employee Resource Group
- This could either be a new stand-alone group or might be appropriately placed under the umbrella of an existing LGBTQ+ organization or an existing group concerning family structures (e.g. many organizations have groups for parents/families).
- Many organizations including AirBnb, JP Morgan Chase, Microsoft, and Dell have incubated Consensual Non-Monogamy Employee Resource Sub-Groups within their LGBTQ+ ERGs, and these alliances have been very helpful in providing community, infrastructure, and leadership for advocacy.
- When discussing this option with LGBTQ+ ERG leaders, it may be helpful to highlight the considerable intersectionality between LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous identities, and the considerably greater risk that LGBTQ+ non-monogamous individuals face when it comes to discrimination.
Host a panel where you bring external expert speakers in to both reduce stigma without putting people on the spot.
🎤 Looking for speakers? You can use this Speakers’ Bureau to identify someone who’d be a good fit for your organization’s needs.
Educate employees – especially those working in Human Resources, Legal, and in management positions.
- Ask your existing DEI training vendor [if applicable] whether they’re including family and relationship structure in their training. If not, we can connect you with workforce training experts who can help create a short module or example to integrate into your existing DEI learning materials. We also encourage you to use these free resources:
- Understanding and Advocating for Consensual Non-Monogamy.pptx - a short presentation on the history of monogamy and contemporary efforts to advocate for rights for consensually non-monogamous people by Lily Lamboy of the Modern Family Institute
- Deconstructing the Fairytale - a workplace-friendly guided workshop on the definition and impact of mononormativity by Mariska Jo
- Polyamory 101 (Kristen Guy, AirBnb)- a workplace-friendly introduction to polyamory key terms and FAQs created by Kristen Guy, an employee at AirBnB.
Encourage a more inclusive company culture with language use and event invitations
- Use inclusive language, such as “partner(s)” instead of “spouse.” “Spouse” is a term only used for married partners; because non-monogamous committed partners cannot legally marry, this term can feel exclusionary.
- Make clear that there are opportunities for non-monogamous employees to bring an additional chosen partner to important company events such as holiday parties. Or, if there is only space for each person to bring a +1, frame this as “bring a loved one of your choice” vs. “bring your partner or spouse.” This is also inclusive of single people who may want to bring a close friend or family member.
Additional Strategies
- Acknowledge and participate in celebratory events like the Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy
- Support organizations like The Modern Family Institute, The Chosen Family Law Center, OPEN, the Harvard Law LGBTQ+ Advocacy Clinic, and the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition that advocate for expanded rights for all families.
- Collect Anonymized Data by including optional, anonymous demographic questions asking about non-monogamous identity in your employee voice survey questions to collect sentiment data and see if it’s possible to identify specific needs within this group. Check out this resource created by the American Psychological Association about how to ask about relationship diversity on demographic forms.
If you’d like to schedule time to meet with me about advocating for family and relationship structure diversity, please reach out at lily@modernfamilyinstitute.org.
Additional Resources
