Chapter Text
She finds it hard to remember what her mother's perfume smelled like, if only because the memory stings her eyes shut. In the quiet of the night her mind plays tricks on her simply by playing all the good memories with Steven and leaving out the bad, so she won't break down again. Her brain is normally good at leaving all the bad things out, but some things are hard to forget because the emotions involved with them are so intense.
For Lily, everything that happened that summer had tattooed itself into her memories no matter how hard she tried to forget. She remembered walking fast through the New York streetlights blinking red and green. She remembered Steven's lips on hers briefly, fleetingly promising nothing but hope. And she remembered the exact color of her scarf, red against his black jacket.
"Give me my scarf back, Steven."
"I'll keep it as insurance." He jokes, "to make sure you come back from dreary old London."
"I should keep it to make sure you show up to London for my last show." She says pointedly, taking both ends of the scarf in her hands. "Since you hate London so much."
"Hey." He grabs her wrist, and his eyes go dark like in her dreams. "I promised I'd be there."
Steven always promised to be there for Lily, but his promises were as empty as the dresser drawer he used to keep his stuff in. She hadn't seen him yet and she didn't think she could see him. It would only mean facing another disaster and she wasn't mentally prepared to deal with another explosion in her life. When she closed her eyes, she could still hear the screams of children. The smell of smoke-filled Lily's nostrils even when she was standing naked in the shower, alone with her inhibitions.
It's mass chaos happening in the pit.
She recognizes him, woefully, and she feels her heart break a bit.
"What did you do?" she asks the boy, "Stay back…"
He looks at her, his face desperate and his eyes pitch black.
"You belong with me!" He bellows at her, reaching for her with his slim pale fingers. "Can't you see?"
Her hands drop her guitar, and it breaks as the boy with the dark eyes and pale face lurches towards her.
Life just wasn't what eleven-year-old Lily had planned for, dreaming about the big city and flashing lights. She looked better off, sure, with fame and riches. Every other weekend was a flight to New York or a trip to the Seine for a radio interview. There was never a need to rewear any of her clothes and fashion designers knew her by name and face. She had four Grammys sitting on her shelf in her New York kitchen and countless other awards were littering her many houses. At face value, life was all eleven-year-old Lily wanted...but under the crushing weight of her own anxiety and dread...fame was a curse.
After the explosion at Manchester, all she could do was think about how many of her fans had been hurt. Thankfully, no one had died because the bloke hadn't detonated his little homemade bomb correctly, but there was still fire and destruction. There were still little girls with scars forever and families who feared ever going to another concert. Lily's heart had broken into thousands of little pieces at the expense of others.
She hadn't touched a guitar or any of her notebooks since the concert.
She wasn't eating, sleeping, or taking proper care of herself.
No one could get Lily out of her own mind the remainder of that summer. Sirius tried to help by sneaking her out to visit her fans in the hospital. Peter tried to help by canceling the remainder of her tour. Petunia tried to help by being nice and quiet as Lily worked through her emotions. Lily's father tried to help by reminding her why she started singing and the internet tried to help with hashtags and empty words.
Lily's family hired her a third private bodyguard, but it did little to calm her nerves, not when she was reliving every made moment of the apocalyptic summer. And to top off everything that had happened, Lily's new bodyguard was just a constant reminder of Manchester.
James Potter, tall and stoic, unceremoniously puts his hands on her hips.
Without warning, he flings her over his shoulder with ease.
The smoke fills her lungs as she screams for him to let her down.
Her dress bunches up around her thighs as he runs her off the burning stage.
Severus Snape is still reaching for her, eyes as hazy as the smoke he'd conjured.
Even when Lily was walking along the halls of her Scotland chateau, James was there. Sure, he stayed back, but he still watched every step she took. He heard every shaky breath she sucked in. He saw every single side glance Lily gave to blowing curtains and every flinch she emitted at every loud noise. He didn't dare reach out, not after she'd been such a bitch to him.
"I'll go make sure the levels have been searched."
His hands are in his hair, ruffling it and looking more boy than man.
Lily stares at him, aghast.
"Were you going to apologize for tossing me over your shoulder like a rag doll?" she snaps, "or were you just going to continue pretending I don't exist?"
Lily didn't ever think she could forget the way he stared down at her, clearly unimpressed. She couldn't forget the feeling of red creeping up her neck as they stared each other down. She couldn't ever forget the way he made her feel.
"I saved your life."
He should have just called Lily an ungrateful bitch and his words might've hurt less. Instead, he'd left her standing there after the bomb, acting like she wasn't worth his time. And maybe she wasn't worth his time, after all, he did save her life. She hadn't realized to what extent he'd saved her, not until she spoke to her manager and the lead of security at the concert. She hadn't known it was a bomb, not until management told her.
Lily never told James thank you, even when he was hired as her personal bodyguard by some cruel twist of fate. Because of her stupid arrogance, James hated her. Lily hated herself for continuing to replay their first meeting over and over. In fact, she hated how often her brain replayed all 24 hours of her own personal Hell back like a broken record.
Record clicks, and there was Steven wearing her scarf and a devilish grin in the streets of New York.
Another spin and she saw her sister Petunia mouthing off through a haze of synthetic yellow light.
One long pause before she's thrust back into the fire and smoke, where James Potter rescued her.
There wasn't much to do about the anxiety and depression that hit Lily like a runaway train. She walked up and down her property lines, trying to walk off the dread of going to sleep at night. She didn't want anyone to see how scared she was of her own mind. After all, she'd always been told she was always so positive and filled with such warmth. What would people say if she admitted the corners of her world had turned to grey?
Of course, James followed her everywhere she went. It might've been his job but it annoyed Lily to have a shadow that seemed to perceptively stare at her. She tried to lose him, but it was hard to lose anyone while stuck in one place. He followed her into her sitting room, making her self-conscious about what she turned the TV onto. He watched her cook, and she swore he snorted whenever she burned pasta. By the third week of dancing around each other, Lily finally rounded on him when he even followed her into her personal car.
"Do you mind?" she snapped.
He blinked in confusion. "What?"
Lily felt like he was judging her, and he didn't even know her.
"Do you have to go everywhere I go?" she complained.
"I'm your bodyguard."
"I'm safe." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm just running to town for coffee."
He seemed to find her reply funny. "I looked at your file and there are at least fifty reasons that you aren't safe, even just getting coffee."
Lily's expression remained unmoved. "I don't think the creamer will suddenly jump out and attack me."
"I'm not doing my job if I have no body to guard." he said, "besides, what if you suddenly become lactose intolerant?"
"Lactose intolerant?" she echoed back.
He had the audacity to smirk. "As your bodyguard, I do have to be around just in case your body goes into lactose shock."
"Are you mad?"
"You've no idea." He laughed almost bitterly as he ruffled his hair and sat in her passenger seat.
"I'm done arguing." She slipped her hand through her own hair. "I'm going for coffee, alone."
"You're being stubborn for no reason," James buckled his seatbelt, "I'm still coming with you."
She'd pulled a frustrated face and put her sunglasses on. Lily's mother used to say Lily had a face more readable than anything. Lily wasn't about to let her bodyguard read anything about her when he hated her. James kept quiet, not arguing with her when she asked him to at least stand outside of the coffee shop.
Not unsurprisingly, she didn't develop sudden allergy to lactose. When she said something to James on the way back to the house, he didn't say anything. She glanced at him to see he was staring dutifully out the window of her car, eyes locked in the mirror.
He gave her what space he could, even if it wasn't much.
She was unsettled and she just couldn't break away from the feeling. She knew she should talk to someone, but she didn't know who. She nursed the feeling with wine and tried to sleep without waking from nightmares. The walks Lily took got more numerous as the days went on.
Lily glanced back, looking for James's ever-present shadow as she made her way up a rolling green hill back to her house. It had been a particularly wet walk to the steam. The late summer rain soaked through Lily's jean jacket, and she could tell he was sopping too, even from farther away. He never complained about her walks, in fact he expected them. Even when the rain was pouring and Lily was in nothing but sweats, he'd follow her like a dutiful guard dog.
Lily walked faster up the hill, but James kept up. He was at her side as she opened the back door that led into the sunroom. Sirius was there, flicking through his phone lazily. He looked up and Lily got out about half a wave in Sirius' direction before James had pushed her out of the way. Lily fell to her own floor, her elbow hitting the wall painfully. Lily looked up to find James pointing a handgun at Sirius' head dangerously.
"What are you doing?" Lily shouted at James from the floor as she squeezed her elbow, "put the gun down!"
James ignored Lily, his eyes glaring at Sirius. "Who the f*ck are you?"
"Sirius Black." Sirius was calm, despite the gun pointed at his chest. "Who the f*ck are you?"
James clicked the safety off. "Listen git-"
"Stop!" Lily scrambled to her feet, standing between Sirius and James. "He's my best friend, you daft idiot!"
"What?" James' eyes dropped to Lily. "How did he get in without setting the alarms off?"
Lily questioned, as if it were obvious, "Because I gave him the pass code?"
Sirius leaned around Lily's tiny form, waving at James, "you must be her new bodyguard, I'm Sirius."
James ignored Sirius; he was too busy staring down at Lily with disbelief. Lily's eyes traced the way his nostrils flared out when he was mad. She'd never seen him display so much passion and resolve. It was almost nice to know he wasn't a total robot sent to guard her. Lily realized he was upset because he thought she'd been in danger and her heart lurched. Her expression softened and she stepped closer to James.
"He's fine," she soothed, "Sirius always comes for movie night, he's just early."
James snapped, "Do you often go around, giving out your alarm pass code?"
"No," Lily rolled her eyes, not knowing why she bothered being nice to him, "only to my family."
James didn't lower his gun. "You said he was a friend."
"Family friend." Lily stomped her foot, "James, I'm serious. Gun down."
Sirius spoke up again, this time gathering James' attention. "I'm Sirius, actually." he joked, "in case you forgot my name already."
James leaned around Lily to looked Sirius up and down before looking back at Lily, "He's your best friend?"
"More like a brother really." Lily said, reaching out and putting a hand over James' gun, "Gun down. Now!"
James lowered his gun, but only slightly. Lily shoved her hands against her jacket, peeling the wet fabric from her skin and throwing the wet jacket on the closest shelf. She squeezed out her hair as she watched James contemplate Sirius, who was right at home on Lily's sun bed. The lack of actual sun outside left the sunroom doused in shades of brown.
"Why are you early?" Lily asked Sirius as she squeezed water from her shirt. "I wasn't expecting you until ten or so."
Sirius stretched, "came to eat those leftover tacos you ordered a few nights ago and drink your good wine."
James was looking back and forth between Lily and Sirius. "He's here a lot?"
Lily turned to James, "Almost every night, you just hadn't met him because normally Alice takes over."
"Right."
The muscle in James' jaw clenched and he looked at Lily like she was killing him. Lily crossed her arms, refusing to budge until his gun was gone. Behind her, Sirius grew bored.
"Movie night!" Sirius commanded Lily to stop her stare down, "I bought that new Marvel movie you wanted to watch, Lil."
"Which one?"
"The one with the purple dude."
"Thanos?" Lily snorted, rolling her eyes, "I swear, do you even watch the movies?"
"No." he said, "you caught me, I'm only here for the food!"
Sirius went through the door to the kitchen and Lily heard him rummaging around the cooler. Lily blew her fringe from her face. At her side, James was breathing out deeply, like he'd been running. Lily sighed as James put his gun back in its holster. She looked him up and down, her hip jutting out as she crossed her arms.
James' mouth turned into a frown. "I thought he was trouble."
"I think me waving at him should've clued you in that he was a friend."
"I didn't focus on what you were doing," he looked upset, "I was-I-"
"Next time, please wait for me to ask for your help." She heard Sirius pouring wine in the kitchen quite loudly as if to drown out their conversation. "Before you go pulling a gun out on my friends."
"I won't wait for your permission to protect you," he said, eyes burning down at her. "That's not how this works."
"Fine." Lily squared her shoulders, "shoot the next thing that moves, go to jail."
James sighed with exasperation, "He was trespassing."
"He was invited." Lily emphasized.
"You didn't tell me that."
"Sorry," Lily kicked her wet shoes off by the door, "I wasn't aware I had to inform you of every little thing in my life!"
James looked like he wanted to argue but instead, he held himself back, looking down at the floor and sniffing. He was still in his wet clothes, but he didn't look as cold as Lily felt. Lily stood up taller, squeezing water from her long hair again.
"I'm going to go change." she mumbled, "if Sirius is looking for me."
James grabbed her hand before she could walk out. "Who else have you given your code too?"
"Steven." Lily felt her cheeks redden, saying his name out loud.
"Steven?" James had no idea who she was talking about.
Sirius entered the sunroom carrying two wine glasses full of bright red wine. He passed one to Lily. She swirled the contents and then took a giant mouthful of the wine as Sirius considered James.
"Steven's her bed warmer."
Lily almost choked on her red wine, and she glared at Sirius over the rim of her cup, "Sirius!"
James just looked between them, confused, "Who?"
One of James' hands went to his black curls and Lily saw Sirius unashamedly check James out. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head for a moment as she considered Sirius' obsession with men who had nice jaw lines. James Potter had the best jawline she'd ever seen.
"Steven's her bedwarmer." Lily hit Sirius in the chest and Sirius laughed before taking a sip of his drink, knowing why she hit him.
James was still lost. "Bed warmer?"
Lily flushed deep red as James considered her, almost startled. She wondered if he was judging her, even though she didn't know why he could do so. He didn't know anything about her and Steven. After all, not many people knew about Steven and Lily. The tabloids gossiped, the fans speculated, but Lily and Steven had never confirmed they were seeing each other.
Even after three years.
"That's no innuendo, it's exactly what you think." Sirius was flirting with James, winking at him. "But don't worry, Steve-O doesn't come around often."
"Right," James, finally seemingly done, looked at Lily, "Alice will be here soon to take over, I'll be at the guard shack if you need me."
"I won't."
James' jaw was firm as they stared each other down. It was almost like he wanted to say something else. Lily waited, only breaking eye contact when Juniper clawed at her leg. Lily bent down and picked her fluffy black cat up. When she stood upright again, James had already stalked off in the direction of the front door. Lily stared at his retreating back through Juniper's black fur.
Sirius stared after him with Lily. "He's hot, Evans."
"He's all yours." Lily grumbled moodily, scratching Juniper's ears.
"Don't mind if I do."
Sirius grinned and Lily didn't know why it bothered her so much thinking about her best mate finding James attractive. Sometimes Sirius invited James to watch a movie with them, like they were all friends. James was always quick to turn down Sirius' offers in favor of hanging out alone in his room. Sometimes Lily heard him in his room when she went to bed. He talked a lot on his phone, in muffled tones she couldn't make out. Mostly though, he seemed to listen to music. Nothing of hers, but he was a fan of Ed Sheeran and The Civil Wars.
Their relationship was awkward, mostly him observing her as she tried to live her life post-Manchester. They danced around each other in small spaces and avoided eye contact in all places. He didn't even react when she burned her dinner anymore and she no longer complained when he got in the car with her to pick up some take-out from town. They co-existed, not as friends, but under the mutual silent agreement that they were better off not setting each other off. If there was one thing they had in common, it was that they were both incredibly stubborn.
One night, Lily couldn't sleep because of the nightmares so she walked into the kitchen and pulled an ice cream tin from her freezer. The lights were off as she dug into the ice cream with a spoon. It tasted like it had been in the freezer too long, so Lily threw it away before rummaging through the fridge for some pudding. She peeled the lid off the cup of pudding and sat on one of her counters, her bare feet dangling towards the floor.
That's how James found her.
He walked into the kitchen, his curly hair all over his head and his bare chest looking more tempting that anything. He stopped in his tracks, looking her up and down, taking in her nightgown and pudding cup. Lily noted he was still wearing his jeans, making her wonder if he'd even gone to sleep.
"Late night?" she asked, noting he didn't have his glasses on either.
James rubbed his eyes before grumbling, "why are you eating pudding at three in the morning?"
"I couldn't sleep." She leaned over to grab the other pudding cups, waving them in the air at her bodyguard. "Fancy one?"
"No," James walked around her, limping slightly on his right foot.
"Are you limping?" she turned to follow his movements over to the glass cabinet.
"No."
Lily scrutinized him as he got a glass and filled with water. It might've been dark, but she could still see the lines of long muscle flex as he drank his cup of water. Lily licked the chocolate pudding off her spoon, unashamedly staring at her shirtless guard with a bit more interest. He'd been limping, she wondered if he strained something. James put the cup in the sink and his eyes fluttered up to meet her gaze for a moment. In the darkness, it was easier to look at him because he wasn't as perfect without the light shining on him like some sort of angelic spotlight. Without James' button-down shirt and glasses, he looked real.
"You sure you don't want to join?" she opened another pudding packet, "it's chocolate."
James leaned his arms against the counter. "Question."
"Answer."
He tilted his head at her in the darkness, "aren't you, well, you know, rich?"
She didn't know why she found his question so funny, "yes?"
"Can't you get someone to cook for you?" he motioned to her hand, "pudding cups are not exactly prime midnight snacks."
Lily took a heaping spoonful of chocolate pudding. "I like chocolate pudding."
"Never mind." He stood up and started for the kitchen door.
Lily felt her heartstrings reaching out to stop him, it's what made her blurt out the truth to him, like he was Sirius, not a half a stranger.
"I just want my privacy." He paused in the doorway to listen to her confession. "Another stranger in my life is the last thing I need."
"No offense," he said, "but you're the unhealthiest person I know."
"I'm on vacation."
"From what?"
"Hollywood." she sighed, "you haven't seen it yet, Hollywood."
She could make out his head dropping to stare at his feet in the dark.
"What's wrong with Hollywood?" he asked, almost bitterly.
She dropped her spoon into her pudding, "They tell you that you're lucky. For a while, I did feel lucky to be invited to all the parties and galas. Then it got old, very quickly, as the lights from all those flashing cameras follow you wherever you go. There are people judging you by the clothes you wear and the way you walk and the way you talk. You can't take one misstep, or everyone will know about it. All the young things line up just to take your place the moment you fall from grace." She felt a tear slip down her cheek and she was thankful it was dark so he couldn't see, "My first mistake was the concert. People were so mad. Still are."
"It wasn't your fault." he sounded upset, "you know that wasn't your fault."
"Tell that to the people suing me for endangering their kids’ lives." Lily muttered, "or the thousands of people retweeting the photo of you carrying me off stage while my fans were dealing with a literal bomb like they were in a war zone."
At first, he didn't answer, and then he muttered darkly, "heroic actions often come with consequences..."
"I feel bad." She licked at her spoon, tasting the chocolate. "I owe everything, everything to my fans. And I disappointed them."
In the darkness she watched his hand lift to his curls. He twisted his fingers into the curls on his forehead, almost as if it was killing him to stand there and talk to her. James' shoulders rolled and he took in a deep breath.
"It sounds lonely."
"What?"
"Fame."
It was.
Maybe that's why Lily had avoided going back despite Peter, her manager, urging her to get back to California for work. She might be under watch at her home in Scotland, but she could walk into town and not find herself swarmed by paparazzi. Anywhere else she went; it was media central. Even the fans could easily track her planes and find out where she was traveling.
She'd taken for granted how secluded she'd been in Scotland. She didn't have to smile all the time or wear designer clothes. She'd worn make up twice in a month and hadn't curled her hair in God knows how long. She was able to not sleep at night in favor of brighter mornings and quick cat naps on the couch. She could go for walks down the hills and no one cared what she looked like. There weren't one hundred articles on twitter cross examining all her boyfriends to figure out why she drove them off. It had been a good break that would change the moment she stepped back into the spotlight.
But the fame was always going to be worth the fight because she got to make music. She didn't know what she'd write about, but she knew once she started writing, she probably wouldn't stop. She was born to write out her feelings, so she could process them. No matter what she did, or where she went, she would always be a songwriter. She would always crave to write poems and turn them into songs. The writer in Lily would ache to form imagery through simple words and catchy phrases no matter how many times she was knocked down. She constantly yearned to paint a picture with her colorful emotions using her voice as the brush.
The only problem was that she hadn't written a word since the day after Manchester's concert and that's what scared her the most, the fact that she wasn't writing anymore.
She could remember times when fame had been fun and rewarding. Like the time Lily took her whole family to Disney right after winning her first Grammy. All the afternoons in Lake Placid were her favorite memories. Concerts with Make-A-Wish and poster signings with girls who wanted to be songwriters too. They all made fame worth it. She should write for them, but fear was keeping her shackled to the kitchen counter with a pudding cup and a desolate stare.
Lily spoke up, "It's not so bad."
"What?" he was leaning against the kitchen door.
"Fame," she twirled her spoon in her pudding, "when you have people you love to share it with, it's not so bad."
"Well, I wouldn't have anyone to share it with." Lily watched as James leaned up and off the door. "G'night."
She waved her spoon at him in the darkness. "See you in two hours."
"Two hours?"
"For breakfast?" She pointed at the clock, which read four in the morning.
"Are you having more pudding cups?" he asked, "because I'm quite partial to your burnt eggs."
She might've imagined it, but she thought he chuckled as he walked back to his room.
